The King and I

So I just finished watching this old black and white sci-fi movie, King Dinosaur, and it was pretty spectacular. Another planet appears orbiting around the Sun, and the U.S. decides to send a rocket to it with three scientists, whose jobs are to collect data on the habitability of the planet, and also a doctor, who is along for treating diseases and for "treating a fatality." At this point, the movie is already fantastic, and they haven't even blasted off into space yet. How a planet just "appears" is beyond me, as the movie makes clear that it was not always there but had somehow escaped discovery. Also, how do you treat a fatality? I briefly thought the movie was rather progressive for the 1950s, in that two of the scientists are women. Any steps forward for women's lib however, are soon reversed once things begin to go amok on the new planet, dubbed "Nova."

Upon landing, two of the people emerge in plastic fish bowl helmets to test the atmosphere. You'd think that both of them would be scientists, but alas, no. For some reason the doctor is performing tests. Once the all clear is given the other two emerge and they begin to explore their surroundings. It is discovered that this planet is teeming with vegetation and wildlife, which the scientists (or hell, people) seem oblivious to the fact that they bear uncanny resemblances to those found on Earth. They even take time to laugh at a bear cub climbing up a tree, but make no observation about its species. The geologist of the group takes a rock sample and determines that the planet is quite young, and that it is in the "prehistoric era." I'm no scientist myself, but doesn't prehistoric pretty much refer to Earth eras alone.

After a few hours of in depth science, they begin to make their way back to their ship, but get lost along the way. Apparently none of them are survivalists. Forced to make camp for the night, they somehow manage to make a relatively large shelter in the dark without the benefit of lanterns, flashlights, or even torches. This movie just kept getting better.

Of course during the night when the doctor is supposed to be keeping watch, one of the female scientists awakens, and they both wander off together to do some canoodling. The doctor trips in the dark, falling down a hill right on top of an alligator, which he wrestles like Tarzan. He manages to kill it, but not before he is seriously, but vaguely hurt. All the while, the woman stands on top of the hill screaming, even though she has a pistol on her belt. It is becoming evident that these women are very delicate.

As she stays behind to nurse the doctor back to health, the other two explore an island that seems different than the surrounding environment. There they discover the namesake of the film, a "dinosaur" that the dude scientist claims bears a striking resemblance to Tyrannosaurus Rex, but in actuality is really an iguana made to look large. I don't know what sort of natural history museums this guy has been visiting, but there is no more resemblance between those two species than between me and George Clooney. Of course it traps them in a cave, giving the woman plenty of time to scream and cry and the man to scowl and shove her around.

At this point the centerpiece of the film takes place, when the "dinosaur" fights another large creature, an alligator. No comment is made on whether or not it resembles a Triceratops. As these two titans clash, a gila monster looks on with interest. No word yet if this was actually a Brachiosaurus. The two trapped in a cave are able to use the distraction to reach the other two, who have come to rescue them, and to bring along a little something extra. It seems the little black box they've been totting is actually an atomic bomb. For some reason it makes perfect sense to detonate it on the island. Luckily, they make it back to the other shore, where the half mile between them and the blast is more than enough to keep them safe. The movie ends with a close-up of the mushroom cloud, and for some reason, with uplifiting music to accompany it.

While they still make movies this bad, few of them are made with the same earnestness. So do yourself a favor some Saturday afternoon, and watch King Dinosaur or any of the numerous bad sci-fi films of the fifties. You'll get a kick out of it.

Incredibly, I found the trailer for this movie on youtube. Awesome.



Transmission out.

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

I was on the "internet" earlier today and came across MTV's just released list of the top 10 movie badasses. Its a great list, and can be found here: http://www.mtv.com/movies/news/articles/1604506/story.jhtml

At the top of the list is "Dirty" Harry Callahan, the iconic character played by Clint Eastwood. I have seen all 5 of the Dirty Harry movies, although it has been several years. So a month or so ago, I rewatched the original film, surprisingly enough titled Dirty Harry. I had forgotten just how great that character is. Nothing beats the looks of disdain on Harry's face when he has to deal with red tape, or the look of satisfaction when he has just cornered his perp.






This first film is loosely based on the events surrounding the investigation of the real Zodiac Killer, renamed Scorpio here. Scorpio is played by Andrew Robinson, and this guy will really give you the creeps.



Anyway, do yourself a favor and check out the #1 movie badass of all-time.

Transmission out.

Eleanor Rigby

Allow me to diverge for a moment from my usual discussions about film, televison, or music, to rail against the plague of the Gregorian calendar, Valentine's Day. This is the absolute worst holiday ever, with the possible exception of "Boxing Day" in Canada, and that is only because I haven't a clue what the fuck that even is. Do you punch your loved ones in the mouth? Do you walk around all day saying "Cut me Mick. Cut me." Anyway, back to my point. Its obvious that years ago when this holiday was concocted, there were not enough suicides to satisfy people. Some suits knocked their heads together and said, "We can jack this rate up, no problem. Let's create a holiday where you are ostricized if you are single. Let's make men feel bad for not having the money to buy expensive diamonds for their wives, or feel bad because they have the money, but no one to buy them for." What a bunch of bullshit! If I have to look at one more goddamn heart-shaped box of chocolates, watch one more seizure-inducing commercial for that horror factory Jared's, or listen to one more person drone on and on and on about their Valentine's plans, I'm going to rip the wings off that Cupid fucker and start beating people with them. At least with Christmas, another shit holiday for single people, you can buy your grandparents something, or hell, even your pet if you're that pathetic. Valentine's Day, however, is relentless in its ability to grind lonely, single people under its goosestepping heels. But let this be a warning to you, Valentine's Day. If I ever catch you out alone, I'll drag you into a dark alley and slit your throat with a Hallmark card.

Transmission out

Subdivisions

Today I thought I would discuss another one of my favorite movies, The Burbs. Released in 1989, it remains one of Tom Hanks' most underappreciated roles. I know some people may snicker at that statement, but some people are morons. This movie is straight-up funny. The plot is simple enough: strange family moves into the neighborhood, weird things happen, and the neighbors begin to think they are up to no good. One could delve into the undercurrents of the movie, such as the pressure of conformity present in many middle-class communities, or the pent-up desire for excitement in otherwise dull existences, but that's not really necessary here. It is poking fun at those manifestations of the suburbs, but here weird characters are king, summed up by one of the garbagemen in one scene: "I hate cul-de-sacs. There's only one way out, and the people are kind of weird." All of them, even Hanks' character Ray, exhibit quirks that likely stem from the madness of repetitive behaviors. Fortunately for us, these quirks are portrayed with brilliant comic touch by the entire cast.

Admittedly, I have run across few people who enjoy this movie as much as I. My old roommate Jeremy is one of those few. I knew we would get along when he told me he had mapped out the cul-de-sac in which the action takes place. To us, knowing exactly where Art's house sat in relation to his neighbors only added to the humor. Don't ask me why.

The dialog is top notch. You just can't beat a movie with lines such as, "There go the goddamn brownies!," "Shut up and paint your goddamn house!," or "Ray, do you want 'em to take your family, tear their livers out and make some kind of satanic pâté?" This one may be the line I quote most, however:



The movie is also blessed with great physical humor, as this scene exemplifies:



I won't give any more of the plot away, for those of you who have not seen it. Do yourself a solid, and take a trip to The Burbs. For some of you, I venture the trip is not that far.

Transmission out.

The Carpet Crawlers

I'm a huge movie buff. I've seen thousands of movies. I've seen a lot of funny movies. I have never seen a movie funnier than The Big Lebowski. What is strange is that upon first viewing, I enjoyed it, but didn't yet fully appreciated its genius. It was only after a second viewing that my laughter became explosive. I think this was because as I watched it for the first time, I was trying to follow the plot and figure out where the story was heading. I realized this wasn't the point, something I perhaps should have figured out earlier since it revolves around a rug that "really tied the room together." In this movie plot is secondary to the characters and their dialog, and this movie has probably the greatest dialog ever committed to screen. An argument could be made for Pulp Fiction, which I also love, but in my opinion, the dialog in Lebowski is a bit more memorable, and generally funnier. Here is one of my favorite exchanges:

The Big Lebowski: Are you employed, sir?
The Dude: Employed?
The Big Lebowski: You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?
The Dude: Is this a... what day is this?

It sums up The Dude quite nicely. He is unemployed and has no idea what day of the week it is. I also love the fact that he post dates a check at the beginning of the movie for 69 cents. By my calculations he writes the check on the 8th, and post dates it for the 11th. Fantastic!

Here's the trailer, which may be the only thing about this film that isn't full of expletives.




Transmission out.