Fairies Wear Boots

I recently read an article that discussed the cult following of a movie called Troll 2, and that claimed many who watched it swore that it was the worst movie ever made. So of course I immediately requested that Netflix send it to me. As a bonus, the disc also included the original Troll. It truly says something when the original can be called a better film. Once the disc arrived, I invited some friends over to share in the joy of some truly awful cinema.

I quickly realized that I had seen at least parts of the original several years ago, likely on TNT's MonsterVision hosted by Joe Bob Briggs (At some point I'll write about that fantastic show). Anyway, the plot revolves around a family of four moving into an apartment building that just happens to be the home of a troll, a witch, Sonny Bono, and Andy from WKRP in Cincinnati. The little girl wastes no time getting into mischief, and very quickly the troll possesses/assumes her form in order to gain the trust of the other tennants. Why, you ask. So that he may turn people into plants. Not ordinary plants, mind you, but plants that sprout other trolls, fairies, and various other diminutive bastards that look like the mistakes of a druken night of passion between Dr. Ruth, the Garbage Pail Kids, and the Ghoulies. There is probably some sort of metaphor or life's lesson in the scene where Sonny Bono is turned into a plant, but I didn't pick up on it.

The older brother soon realizes that his sister is even more obnoxious than usual, and in trying to figure out what is going on, befriends a woman (played by June Lockheart, the mother from Lassie) who turns out to be a witch. Did I mention that the boy's name is Harry Potter? Anyway, for some inexplicable reason she waits until the third day of funny goings on to tell him he had only three days to save his sister and keep the troll from turning the apartment complex into a fairy universe. Could've used that information, oh, I don't know, three days ago!!

Once the boy finds his sister and the witch congratulates him on defeating the troll, even though he did nothing to bring this about, his family piles into a car with only a box of stuff and some laundry detergent, and makes their escape. Apparently the cops were uninterested in asking them why they were the only ones to live through the ordeal, or in perhaps offering a more plausible explanation than "they were all turned into plants." Oh well. And by the way, easily the most frightening part of the movie is watching Michael Moriarty ( the original DA from Law & Order) dance around his living room to rock and roll. It should shame white people everywhere from ever dancing again.

So now we move on to Troll 2, the piece de resistance, which of course has virtually nothing to do with the first movie other than the presence of trolls. As I said earlier, some people are inclined to call this the worst movie ever made. While I certainly agree it is among the worst, I find it difficult to remove that crown from atop Plan 9's head. There remains, however, more than enough to laugh at. Everything about this movie is bad, from the acting to the dialog, from the special effects to the makeup, and from the directing to the plot. Just as many other bad movies, all these wrongs add up to a dreadfully hilarious right.

The movie opens with a young boy in his bed being told a story by his grandpa, a story that one assumes at first to be fantasy. An unfortunate traveler stumbles upon a group of trolls, who force him to eat food covered in bright green slime. As a result, the man turns into green gelatinous goo, which the trolls hastily devour. Did you follow that? Good, because that is the crux of the entire movie. What is not explained is how the grandpa knows about these trolls, or how he is able to relay this story to his grandson, since the old man is dead. Perhaps the boy is merely worked up because his family is about to travel to a sleepy little burg and take part in a family home swap with a family of yokels for a month. There is also no explanation as to how these two families hooked this up, particularly since this is pre-internet.

Wouldn't you know it, but this sleepy little burg just so happens to be the kingdom of said trolls, a sleepy little burg called Nilbog. I'll give you a minute to figure it out. If you still don't know, I'll clue you in later. One of the funniest moments of the film occurs when the boy and his family are traveling to Nilbog. There has been some arguing in the van, and so the mom decides to break the tension by yelling at her son, "Joshua, start singing. Come on, sing that song I like so much!" At which point he starts an in-the-round of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Why the hell she can't remember the name of the song is beyond me.

I should point out here that the family is not the only group traveling to Nilbog. Joshua's sister's boyfriend and three of his pals are on their way there in a winnebago. It seems Holly and her beau Elliot think it will be easier to "go all the way" out in the woods rather than back in her room. It's this contrivance that gives us the character Arnold and one of the film's funniest lines. Shortly after arriving, and having parked the winnebago in the woods, Arnold goes for a walk. He soon stumbles upon a pretty blonde girl running for her life from a group of trolls, or should I say, a bunch of extras wearing the shittiest makeup and costumes I think I've ever seen in a film. Anyway, the two of them run for their lives, but not, ironically back to the winnebago. Instead they find themselves at a building that from the outside appears to be a church, but on the inside is a cross between a hooker's bedroom and Dr. Frankenstein's lab. There they meet Creedence Leonore Gielgud, who we soon find out is the queen of the trolls, although at this point she is in human form. She offers them something to drink, something that has massive amounts of fog, smoke, or steam rising from its surface. So of course the girl takes a big gulp and instantly starts to excreet green slime out of her skin. Once she turns into a big pile of green goo, the trolls descend upon her. Arnold, who continues to stand in one spot despite things clearly taking a turn into some fucked up shit, merely exclaims, "They're eating her...and then they're going to eat me...OH MY GOOOOOOD!" Welcome to amature hour.

Another one of Elliot's buddies heads into town to get some food. Along the way he is given a ride into town by Sheriff Gene Freak. I kid you not. Once at the store, the boy looks around only to find numerous half-gallon cartons of milk, oddly unrefrigerated. When he asks for some coffee, the creepy man behind the counter who needs no makeup to look like a troll yells "There's no coffee in Nilbog. It's the devil's drink!" At this point in the movie I start making a mental checklist in my head of what to keep on hand should I ever have a run-in with trolls. Later that day Joshua and his dad arrive at the same store, only to find it closed. Joshua sees the town's sign in the rear-view mirror and realizes "Nilbog! It's goblin spelled backward!" Of course, no one in his family believes him at this point, as they all seem oblivious to the bizarre behavior of the local yokels.

Soon enough though, it all comes to a head. One of the trolls is set on fire by a lightning bolt from dearly departed grandpa, and when the dad puts him out with a fire extinguisher, the man's true troll form is revealed. Later that night, grandpa and Joshua infiltrate Creedence's lair, where they have to "concentrate" on the rock in the center of the room. It seems the rock, a piece of Stonehenge itself, is the source of the troll's power. What they have to "concentrate" on, however, is as much of a mystery as Stonehenge. At this point the grandpa tells Joshua that he is about to be called back to the land of the dead or something, but gives Joshua a backpack, telling him not to open it until he really needs it. How he is supposed to know when he will need it when he doesn't even know what's in it? It could be something that will help him defeat the trolls, or it could be a bag full of condoms for when Joshua goes off to college.

Where is Creedence Leonore Gielgud during all this, you ask? She's at the winnebago with Elliot's remaining friend. She seduces him by waving an ear of corn around her body. They get comfortable and both begin to bite on the ear of corn simultaneously as popcorn suddenly begins to fill the rv. One assumes that this friend is also about to become troll food, but when she exits, he is shown to be ok, minus some butter stains on his shirt. Completely inexplicable.

Creedence arrives back home, along with the other trolls, and encircle Joshua, who seems to have failed in his mission to stop them. But as we all know, it is always the darkest just before the dawn. He suddenly remembers the backpack, given to him all those long minutes ago. He opens the pack, and pulls out...a double decker bologna sandwich. He takes a bite of it, and Creedence is clearly distraught, "Aaagh! Think about the cholesterol! Think about...THE TOXINS!" Just like that, problem solved.

I'll leave it to you, dear readers, to discover exactly how the movie ends. Lets just say the bologna sandwich may not have been the cure-all it at first appeared to be. I have to say, despite the complete and utter ineptitude of everyone involved in this film, I enjoyed this movie far more than Terminator: Salvation, which I saw on the same day. Here's the trailer, if you are still not convinced.



Transmission out.