My Radiation Baby (My Teenage Fallout Queen)

Where do I begin with a movie like Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell? I suppose I'll start with the opening scenes, if for no other reason than to try and provide some sense of logic to the proceedings. We find out through a voice-over that a war lasting but a day, whose instigator remains unknown, has destroyed humanity as we know it. Nuclear fallout (?) has mutated animals as well as people, and civilization is at a prehistoric state. Our title character lets us know that she lives in a dinosaur hell, although there are really no dinosaurs. She also tells us that "Sometimes my juices start to flow, and I feel like a nymphoid," even though she has sex with no one, doesn't seem particularly interested in sex, and is topless for perhaps three seconds during the course of the movie. If you like the sound of her voice, soak it in here, because she barely speaks through the rest of the film.

The "plot," if you will, revolves around her man trying to rescue her from Clon and his band of lizard-men. Clon looks like a cross between the Kurgan from Highlander, a whino, and 1980s Cher. Judging by the condition of his teeth, I would say he is British. His lizard henchmen look like a poor man's version of the sleestaks.

With little in the way of dialog, the action is forced to carry the load, and it has the spine of someone suffering from scoliosis, rickets, and brittle bone disease. Early on in the film the nymphoid is attacked by three men, whom she initially fends off simply by twirling a wet towel over her head. Throughout the course of the film so many people are hit upside the head with tiny branches you'd think the big bad wolf was stalking them. And would someone please explain to me why people who clearly have lived in this environment for some time, manage to fall down so often. It's like watching the last few hours of a frat party. But the best action comes toward the end, when Clon engages in a duel for the ages with this guy whom I will call Leatherface. Leatherface has been helping the nympoid since she escaped from Clon's clutches, and is putting his life on the line to protect her. For roughly ten minutes of screen time, these two titans go at each other with the believability and the ferociousness of a second-grade school play. I won't bother to tell you how it ends. That is for you to suffer through.

As a side note, the music is done by The Astral Warriors. The name would suggest at least cheesy cool, but alas, no. It appears that the band or group had only one keyboard to share, and a musical repertoire of exactly four notes.

I give you the trailer, for anyone morbidly curious:



Transmission out.