OK, so it has been awhile since my last post. I've been pretty busy lately and updating this blog has sort of been put on the backburner. Also, most of the movies I've watched recently have been pretty good, with the exception of the atrocious Transformers 2. A brief rundown of that movie, before I move on to the main course. A transformer with big ears, a gold tooth, and urban dialect, John Turturro's worst acting since the last Transformers movie, inane "comedy," convoluted plot with holes big enough to drive Optimus Prime through, and a transformer with balls. That's right, balls. Yet these things pale in comparison to the simmering pile of shit that was the Star Wars Holiday Special. This is what I will talk you through today.
It is a testament to the popularity of Star Wars following its release that a holiday special was conceived and aired a full year after it initially hit theaters. This would likely not happen today, given the very short turnaround of films from theaters to home video. This was a movie that had posters hung up in theaters still showing the movie a year later with a photo of a birthday cake and 1 candle atop it, surrounded by Star Wars action figures. I would go so far to say that this will never happen again. Yet the biggest testament to Star Wars' popularity was the fact that people still went to see The Empire Strikes Back after the Holiday Special aired. Surely people thought George Lucas had gone off his nut after witnessing what is easily the worst two hours of television ever broadcast.
The "special," and I use that word in the loosest possible sense, opens with Han Solo and Chewbacca evading a couple of Star Destroyers, as Han is attempting to get Chewie to his family on Kashyyk for "Life Day," sort of the wookiee equivalent of Christmas. Enjoy this moment, for it is all downhill for the next two hours. Not even Harrison Ford can make this stuff bearable.
Most of the time is devoted to the home of Chewbacca, where we are introduced to his wife, his son, and his father. Chewbacca's dad is pretty damn creepy looking, particularly when it appears he is on the verge of pleasuring himself while watching a holographic performance of Donna Summer singing. I told you it was bad. Art Carney plays a shop keeper sympathetic to the wookies' predicament, as their planet is under Imperial rule. His acting here is so rank that it would run a junkie out of a crack house. His main function to the plot seems to be to merely provide others with holographic chips containing "performances" from the likes of Summer, Jefferson Starship, and some weird-ass ballet troupe. Each of these is worse than the last.
Harvey Korman pops up, as a fembot teaching people how to cook on television. He also appears in the sequence with Bea Arthur, who runs a cantina. You heard me. When she breaks into song, a little part of you will die. It is almost enough to ruin the actual cantina scene from Star Wars. In fact, I'll have to watch the cantina scene again just to make sure. Hopefully I won't be looking in the background for someone who looks like Bea Arthur.
People who have seen this "special" often point out that it's best part is the 10 minute or so cartoon in the middle, featuring the first appearance of Boba Fett. Don't be taken in by such shenanigans. Aside from getting to see Boba Fett a full year and a half before his appearance in Empire, this cartoon is just as big of a turd as the rest of it. The animation is perhaps the worst I have ever seen, and the story is nonsense.
Just as the "special" is wrapping up, and you think the worst is behind you, it pushes that prison shank just a little bit deeper into your flesh, as Carrie Fisher begins to sing. Carrie Fisher should never, ever, ever sing. Ever.
If this review is not enough to keep you away, I have a word of advice. Make sure you and your friends watch this together, as you will not want to have to endure it more than once. Remember, there is safety in numbers.
Transmission out.
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