"What's the Use of Getting Sober (When You Gonna Get Drunk Again)?"

Saturday night I found myself in the eye of a very surreal hurricane. A friend of mine had come for a visit, and after several hours and an unmeasurable amount of alcohol, he was hammered, shit faced, blotto, 3 sheets to the wind, and every other conceivable expression for being drunk off your ass. This particular friend is already prone to outrageous, crude, and off-color remarks, even when he is sober, but get him worked up, and watch his ability to internalize comments play out like the little Dutch boy. What better activity to engage him in than making him watch The Villain, that 1979 ode to live action pratfalls and stiffer acting than one would have thought humanly possible. Featuring an all-star cast of Kirk Douglas, Ann-Margaret, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, this "comedy"-western really only has one redeeming quality, and that is the cleavage of Ann-Margaret. To call this movie a tragedy would be a disservice to movies that actually aspire to be so. You know when Paul Lynde is playing a Native American chief, you're in trouble. (I should add a caveat here. It is possible that this movie was made for a younger audience, as it plays like a Roadrunner-Coyote live-action cartoon, only with less plausibility. If that is the case, perhaps the movie works on some base level, although it does not explain the constant close-ups of Ann-Margaret's barely contained breasts.)



Anyway, my friend quickly lost interest in the plot (admittedly easy to do), and simply became transfixed by Ann-Margaret's heaving bosom. With his eyes swimming in booze, he repeatedly inquired as to when she would be disrobing and showing her "tits." I tried to explain to him that it was rated PG, but his altered state allowed for no explanations. Finally, in an attempt to get him to possibly switch gears, I pointed out that she also had very pretty hair, to which he simply replied, "You can't fuck hair." His focus remained unchanged.

At some point during the movie, he did mention 'Nanerpuss, an inexplicably bizarre character from a Denny's commercial that likely sends druggies who witness it while tripping the light fantastic to hurl themselves from atop the tallest building they can find. We spent a good thirty minutes watching this video on youtube, as well as many of its remixes. Through it all, my friend would alternate between shouting "'Nanerpuss!" and "I wanna see some tits!"



Nothing quite says Saturday night like an evening with a socially unabashed individual drunk out of his mind, a singing banana, and Arnold Schwarzenegger in a powder blue cowboy outfit. On a side note, "Nanerpuss reminded me of an album cover I came across a few months ago. The band is called Head East, and the album was called Flat as a Pancake. There are no words for the back cover.



Transmission out.